Okay so I think I've finally managed to get a hold of the whole teenage Angst thingy, okay so I admit I aren't a teenager anymore but it doesn't seem to have lessened the feelings.
I suppose when I was a teenager everything just seemed to fit into place, I had a job a subject (Philosophy) that I loved and that's when everything just happened. One day I said I would never go to Uni, the next I was applying and then in September there I was a fully fledged Uni student.
I never had to worry because the next four years of my life were sorted, the only thing I needed to organise was what to do over summer, Round Lake came along to sort that for me as well.
I guess that over the past four years I have changed allot but the change has been held in a safe environment, I was at Uni that wouldn't change, the worst thing that could happen was a bad grade or falling out with my mates in halls. It's been so safe, but know its coming to an end, my safety blankets coming off.
Problem is I don't know if I feel safe without it.
I remember when I was in the sixth form new things excited me, life made me happy, my friends made me realise who I was and for the first time I could face the world as the new improved "Marty". I wasn't scared, I was so happy that I knew what was to come, I didn't panic or feel scared by the changes in my life.
I wish I could go back to that time, the future doesn't scare me but I don't feel entirely confident with it either. I know I aren't bothered by money (odd I know) so that isn't a factor in my decision of job, but at the same time I know I want to do something that actually means something. I don't want to be in an office shifting paperwork and creating reports which in reality have no real meaning in life, I'm sick of management talking about all the theory of management and how you can sort it all out by numbers and how one theory is better than all others. They seem to forget there actually dealing with people, not just numbers.
I guess it's my philosophical side coming through again, I hate to see the world commanded by numbers or anything which means people can't express themselves because it isn't 'normal'. I need a job where I can make a difference to the world and not just make money for a big company.
Couple all this with the fact I can't seem to get back into my project with just over a week to go, its 40% of my degree but I've lost all interest in it, I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. I might actually take up the offer of counselling I was given when I started the warden job, that'll be a laugh me ranting on to some stranger, although knowing what I'm like I'll probably end up talking to them about themselves, sometimes it's annoying that I can get people to talk to me so darn well!
Of course that isn't all though, no, I've been reading way too many story's of late on Fan Fiction, it's never a good idea for me to read any story because I get caught up in the story and start to see similarity's with things I am doing. Basically I've started to look at my non love life. As my last post said I still don't feel comfortable dealing with that many gay people at once, I don't know if it's because I don't like the whole "I'm gay deal with it" way in which some gay people act or if it's just that's not how I see myself and feel uncomfortable seeing the stereotype that some people see me as. I'm gay, I'm proud but I'm also an individual and I refuse to act all camp or go round randomly shagging people just to conform to some stereotype that has been created.
Plus I'm scared that I've stopped looking for a partner, I'm putting more and more effort into being a good responsible friend that I've forgotten what it's like to date, I can't even get up the courage to go out and get drunk any more cause I don't feel like I'll ever be able to be myself if I'm with either group of friends I go out.
I feel bad for my old school friends, they can't tell what's up, I've stopped getting in contact as much, part of me is sad to say its cause I'm unhappy with myself, when I was in the sixth form I was the confident person who was my own person. I don't know how they'd react to the current state of me!
Weirdly though day to day I feel more content than I ever have but its when I stop and think, that's when I feel bad, that's when I'm scared of life, scared of doing what I think is write, scared of being wrong!
But before anyone gets the wrong idea I love being in halls, I love hanging round with people who have so many different view and experiences, if I could do this year all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Sure there's been Drama, arguments and serious amounts of Halls Angst but that's par for the course, the halls parties, the trip bowling the randomness of halls, I'll miss it all cause its probably the most fun I've had in years, hell maybe ever. Ever since sixth form I've had a good group of friends but at the moment I think I'm the luckiest I've ever been, but it's time to explain to my old friends why I've been acting so weird, that's why I've rambled on for 1,000 words .... blimey I wish Uni work came this easily lol!