Would I be happy being straight?
It's a question I've always wondered about. Actually I better start again I haven't even introduced myself yet.
My name's Martin and I'm 24 years old.
I first told my parents I was gay when I was 18, strangely my parents had already figured it out many years before, crucially they didn't try and change me or "fix me". They decided it was best for me to figure it out by myself and come to my own conclusions.
Despite there reactions I had panicked about telling them, I'm not sure if it was the Anti-Gay sentiment I'd heard on the net or the story's I'd heard of people being kicked out of home for telling the truth. But for what ever reason I was scared, so very scared.
In the end it was a bit of a non event my coming out, both my parents said as long as I was safe and happy they had no problems with how I lived my life. I could tell they weren't happy that they might never get grandchildren but I think the fact I came out to them made them feel a bit better and the fact I'd figured it out by myself without any help from them.
Unfortunately not all my family are quite so accommodating which can lead to some interesting conversations when they ask about my 'Girl friends' and start bitching about gay people. I can't be bothered to have that argument with them so I just don't talk about most of my life in front of them.
One problem I have found though is finding a Gay identity, for some reason I seem to have two separate sets of gay friends, the really camp ones (who on a night out I have trouble coping with) and the sensible (but can be in your face LGBT) ones. There are others of course but most of my mates seem to fit into one or the other. Problem is I can't fit into either group, and I don't feel comfortable on a night out with either group.
Problem is, my way of thinking about life is that I am Martin, I'm Male 24 and I happen to be gay, yes its part of me but its not the whole story, I see my sexuality as being almost like an interesting side line but not the main headline. Another issues I have is because I don't find it that easy to go out with my gay mates and enjoy the 'gay lifestyle' I end up out with my straight mates. There good lads and lasses but discussing the cuteness of that girl over there isn't my cup of tea and conversely talking about the fit bloke isn't there idea of a good night out either. Although I've got a lot of good girl 'friends' I don't tend to have the best nights out with them cause they end up talking about Women issues …. I am male after all and it really kills my evening to over here a conversation about periods …!
I'm stuck in the middle, not quite male enough to get pissed right up as Chris would put it (someone's got to stay in control to look after everyone) and not female enough to chat with the girls. There are times I feel like the odd one out, but at the same time I'm also one of the few who can mix with different people and join in with different groups.
But to go back to the original question, do I wish I was straight? Quite simply NO! I have never been able to figure out ware I stop and my sexuality starts, it's a part of me and fighting it would be as futile as trying to fight my left handedness or my dyslexia. It's not an illness and it can't be treated.
All my friends know about me and my sexuality and I'm proud to say I didn't loose any I've considered a friend after telling them, I've been lucky and very few people have a problem with it. In fact I've been so lucky that I've managed to make friends with people who thought they were life long homophobes. Its almost been something I see as my calling to do, help people understand that okay you might not like/understand my sexuality but apart from that I am a human being with human thoughts and feelings. In reality sexuality is only one minor difference that can pull us apart. That approach seem to work for my post and I hope in some way I've helped people understand what its like to be 'different'.
Another question I get asked is, do I believe in religion?
Well yes and no, do I believe there is something that created everything? A bigger purpose than us humans can realise? Yes life would seem pretty boring if we simply life for x years then die ….
I was christened as a baby and still try to live my life to those principles. Do I think some of the churches have the correct view on homosexuality? No! It should be remembered that the bible was written by disciples who got things wrong as they were only human after all.
Genesis 1:27
God created man in his own image.
If this is true how can I be morally wrong? I've never been straight; I've never thought about turning gay I've always been the way I am. So how can the church condemn me?
If at the end of my life I am judged then I hope who ever comes to judge me will realise I have tried my best to be a good person but I am after all human and we all sin, its not the sin that counts its what you do to try and fix it in my book.
