Hey Guys,
Well its come round to that time of year again and I am only 20 days away from jetting off to America again :-)
To say I am looking forward to it would be an understatement!
At the moment I still have 11 working days but its so quiet with all the students gone that I've been spending most of the day doing camp related things! Thanks to that it feels like I am already at camp :-)
Anyways I better try and remind myself to update this more often!
Marty Computers
Round Lake Camp
Okay so I think I've finally managed to get a hold of the whole teenage Angst thingy, okay so I admit I aren't a teenager anymore but it doesn't seem to have lessened the feelings.
I suppose when I was a teenager everything just seemed to fit into place, I had a job a subject (Philosophy) that I loved and that's when everything just happened. One day I said I would never go to Uni, the next I was applying and then in September there I was a fully fledged Uni student.
I never had to worry because the next four years of my life were sorted, the only thing I needed to organise was what to do over summer, Round Lake came along to sort that for me as well.
I guess that over the past four years I have changed allot but the change has been held in a safe environment, I was at Uni that wouldn't change, the worst thing that could happen was a bad grade or falling out with my mates in halls. It's been so safe, but know its coming to an end, my safety blankets coming off.
Problem is I don't know if I feel safe without it.
I remember when I was in the sixth form new things excited me, life made me happy, my friends made me realise who I was and for the first time I could face the world as the new improved "Marty". I wasn't scared, I was so happy that I knew what was to come, I didn't panic or feel scared by the changes in my life.
I wish I could go back to that time, the future doesn't scare me but I don't feel entirely confident with it either. I know I aren't bothered by money (odd I know) so that isn't a factor in my decision of job, but at the same time I know I want to do something that actually means something. I don't want to be in an office shifting paperwork and creating reports which in reality have no real meaning in life, I'm sick of management talking about all the theory of management and how you can sort it all out by numbers and how one theory is better than all others. They seem to forget there actually dealing with people, not just numbers.
I guess it's my philosophical side coming through again, I hate to see the world commanded by numbers or anything which means people can't express themselves because it isn't 'normal'. I need a job where I can make a difference to the world and not just make money for a big company.
Couple all this with the fact I can't seem to get back into my project with just over a week to go, its 40% of my degree but I've lost all interest in it, I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. I might actually take up the offer of counselling I was given when I started the warden job, that'll be a laugh me ranting on to some stranger, although knowing what I'm like I'll probably end up talking to them about themselves, sometimes it's annoying that I can get people to talk to me so darn well!
Of course that isn't all though, no, I've been reading way too many story's of late on Fan Fiction, it's never a good idea for me to read any story because I get caught up in the story and start to see similarity's with things I am doing. Basically I've started to look at my non love life. As my last post said I still don't feel comfortable dealing with that many gay people at once, I don't know if it's because I don't like the whole "I'm gay deal with it" way in which some gay people act or if it's just that's not how I see myself and feel uncomfortable seeing the stereotype that some people see me as. I'm gay, I'm proud but I'm also an individual and I refuse to act all camp or go round randomly shagging people just to conform to some stereotype that has been created.
Plus I'm scared that I've stopped looking for a partner, I'm putting more and more effort into being a good responsible friend that I've forgotten what it's like to date, I can't even get up the courage to go out and get drunk any more cause I don't feel like I'll ever be able to be myself if I'm with either group of friends I go out.
I feel bad for my old school friends, they can't tell what's up, I've stopped getting in contact as much, part of me is sad to say its cause I'm unhappy with myself, when I was in the sixth form I was the confident person who was my own person. I don't know how they'd react to the current state of me!
Weirdly though day to day I feel more content than I ever have but its when I stop and think, that's when I feel bad, that's when I'm scared of life, scared of doing what I think is write, scared of being wrong!
But before anyone gets the wrong idea I love being in halls, I love hanging round with people who have so many different view and experiences, if I could do this year all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Sure there's been Drama, arguments and serious amounts of Halls Angst but that's par for the course, the halls parties, the trip bowling the randomness of halls, I'll miss it all cause its probably the most fun I've had in years, hell maybe ever. Ever since sixth form I've had a good group of friends but at the moment I think I'm the luckiest I've ever been, but it's time to explain to my old friends why I've been acting so weird, that's why I've rambled on for 1,000 words .... blimey I wish Uni work came this easily lol!
Okay so I think I've finally managed to get a hold of the whole teenage Angst thingy, okay so I admit I aren't a teenager anymore but it doesn't seem to have lessened the feelings.
I suppose when I was a teenager everything just seemed to fit into place, I had a job a subject (Philosophy) that I loved and that's when everything just happened. One day I said I would never go to Uni, the next I was applying and then in September there I was a fully fledged Uni student.
I never had to worry because the next four years of my life were sorted, the only thing I needed to organise was what to do over summer, Round Lake came along to sort that for me as well.
I guess that over the past four years I have changed allot but the change has been held in a safe environment, I was at Uni that wouldn't change, the worst thing that could happen was a bad grade or falling out with my mates in halls. It's been so safe, but know its coming to an end, my safety blankets coming off.
Problem is I don't know if I feel safe without it.
I remember when I was in the sixth form new things excited me, life made me happy, my friends made me realise who I was and for the first time I could face the world as the new improved "Marty". I wasn't scared, I was so happy that I knew what was to come, I didn't panic or feel scared by the changes in my life.
I wish I could go back to that time, the future doesn't scare me but I don't feel entirely confident with it either. I know I aren't bothered by money (odd I know) so that isn't a factor in my decision of job, but at the same time I know I want to do something that actually means something. I don't want to be in an office shifting paperwork and creating reports which in reality have no real meaning in life, I'm sick of management talking about all the theory of management and how you can sort it all out by numbers and how one theory is better than all others. They seem to forget there actually dealing with people, not just numbers.
I guess it's my philosophical side coming through again, I hate to see the world commanded by numbers or anything which means people can't express themselves because it isn't 'normal'. I need a job where I can make a difference to the world and not just make money for a big company.
Couple all this with the fact I can't seem to get back into my project with just over a week to go, its 40% of my degree but I've lost all interest in it, I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. I might actually take up the offer of counselling I was given when I started the warden job, that'll be a laugh me ranting on to some stranger, although knowing what I'm like I'll probably end up talking to them about themselves, sometimes it's annoying that I can get people to talk to me so darn well!
Of course that isn't all though, no, I've been reading way too many story's of late on Fan Fiction, it's never a good idea for me to read any story because I get caught up in the story and start to see similarity's with things I am doing. Basically I've started to look at my non love life. As my last post said I still don't feel comfortable dealing with that many gay people at once, I don't know if it's because I don't like the whole "I'm gay deal with it" way in which some gay people act or if it's just that's not how I see myself and feel uncomfortable seeing the stereotype that some people see me as. I'm gay, I'm proud but I'm also an individual and I refuse to act all camp or go round randomly shagging people just to conform to some stereotype that has been created.
Plus I'm scared that I've stopped looking for a partner, I'm putting more and more effort into being a good responsible friend that I've forgotten what it's like to date, I can't even get up the courage to go out and get drunk any more cause I don't feel like I'll ever be able to be myself if I'm with either group of friends I go out.
I feel bad for my old school friends, they can't tell what's up, I've stopped getting in contact as much, part of me is sad to say its cause I'm unhappy with myself, when I was in the sixth form I was the confident person who was my own person. I don't know how they'd react to the current state of me!
Weirdly though day to day I feel more content than I ever have but its when I stop and think, that's when I feel bad, that's when I'm scared of life, scared of doing what I think is write, scared of being wrong!
But before anyone gets the wrong idea I love being in halls, I love hanging round with people who have so many different view and experiences, if I could do this year all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Sure there's been Drama, arguments and serious amounts of Halls Angst but that's par for the course, the halls parties, the trip bowling the randomness of halls, I'll miss it all cause its probably the most fun I've had in years, hell maybe ever. Ever since sixth form I've had a good group of friends but at the moment I think I'm the luckiest I've ever been, but it's time to explain to my old friends why I've been acting so weird, that's why I've rambled on for 1,000 words .... blimey I wish Uni work came this easily lol!
Would I be happy being straight?
It's a question I've always wondered about. Actually I better start again I haven't even introduced myself yet.
My name's Martin and I'm 24 years old.
I first told my parents I was gay when I was 18, strangely my parents had already figured it out many years before, crucially they didn't try and change me or "fix me". They decided it was best for me to figure it out by myself and come to my own conclusions.
Despite there reactions I had panicked about telling them, I'm not sure if it was the Anti-Gay sentiment I'd heard on the net or the story's I'd heard of people being kicked out of home for telling the truth. But for what ever reason I was scared, so very scared.
In the end it was a bit of a non event my coming out, both my parents said as long as I was safe and happy they had no problems with how I lived my life. I could tell they weren't happy that they might never get grandchildren but I think the fact I came out to them made them feel a bit better and the fact I'd figured it out by myself without any help from them.
Unfortunately not all my family are quite so accommodating which can lead to some interesting conversations when they ask about my 'Girl friends' and start bitching about gay people. I can't be bothered to have that argument with them so I just don't talk about most of my life in front of them.
One problem I have found though is finding a Gay identity, for some reason I seem to have two separate sets of gay friends, the really camp ones (who on a night out I have trouble coping with) and the sensible (but can be in your face LGBT) ones. There are others of course but most of my mates seem to fit into one or the other. Problem is I can't fit into either group, and I don't feel comfortable on a night out with either group.
Problem is, my way of thinking about life is that I am Martin, I'm Male 24 and I happen to be gay, yes its part of me but its not the whole story, I see my sexuality as being almost like an interesting side line but not the main headline. Another issues I have is because I don't find it that easy to go out with my gay mates and enjoy the 'gay lifestyle' I end up out with my straight mates. There good lads and lasses but discussing the cuteness of that girl over there isn't my cup of tea and conversely talking about the fit bloke isn't there idea of a good night out either. Although I've got a lot of good girl 'friends' I don't tend to have the best nights out with them cause they end up talking about Women issues …. I am male after all and it really kills my evening to over here a conversation about periods …!
I'm stuck in the middle, not quite male enough to get pissed right up as Chris would put it (someone's got to stay in control to look after everyone) and not female enough to chat with the girls. There are times I feel like the odd one out, but at the same time I'm also one of the few who can mix with different people and join in with different groups.
But to go back to the original question, do I wish I was straight? Quite simply NO! I have never been able to figure out ware I stop and my sexuality starts, it's a part of me and fighting it would be as futile as trying to fight my left handedness or my dyslexia. It's not an illness and it can't be treated.
All my friends know about me and my sexuality and I'm proud to say I didn't loose any I've considered a friend after telling them, I've been lucky and very few people have a problem with it. In fact I've been so lucky that I've managed to make friends with people who thought they were life long homophobes. Its almost been something I see as my calling to do, help people understand that okay you might not like/understand my sexuality but apart from that I am a human being with human thoughts and feelings. In reality sexuality is only one minor difference that can pull us apart. That approach seem to work for my post and I hope in some way I've helped people understand what its like to be 'different'.
Another question I get asked is, do I believe in religion?
Well yes and no, do I believe there is something that created everything? A bigger purpose than us humans can realise? Yes life would seem pretty boring if we simply life for x years then die ….
I was christened as a baby and still try to live my life to those principles. Do I think some of the churches have the correct view on homosexuality? No! It should be remembered that the bible was written by disciples who got things wrong as they were only human after all.
Genesis 1:27
God created man in his own image.
If this is true how can I be morally wrong? I've never been straight; I've never thought about turning gay I've always been the way I am. So how can the church condemn me?
If at the end of my life I am judged then I hope who ever comes to judge me will realise I have tried my best to be a good person but I am after all human and we all sin, its not the sin that counts its what you do to try and fix it in my book.
